Common Jokes

with regards to de.talk.jokes and alt.tasteless.jokes

So
A teacher was helping a boy with a math problem. She says, "There
are three birds  sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds.
How many  birds are left on the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up
three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots
one, she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that." "It's simple,"
says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you
think." "Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are
three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking  her
popsicle, another is biting her popsicle and the last one's sucking  her
popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. The teacher looked
at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is
biting, and one is sucking.  Which one is married?" "Well," she gulped and
in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring, but I like
the way you think."

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the
magician did every trick.  Once he understood, he started shouting in the
middle of the show...
"Look, look, it's not the same hat!"  "Look, he is hiding the flowers
under the table!"  "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"  The
magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank at sea.  The magician found
himself on a large piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the
parrot, of course. The two of them stared at each other with hate, but
didn't utter a word.  This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After about a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up.  Where's the boat?"

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Jake the inventor is struggling through the air terminal with two huge
and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and ask
"Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.  "Its a
quarter to six" he says.
Hay, that's a pretty fancy watch" exclames the stranger.  Jake brightens
a little.  "Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for months -
Check this out" - and he shows him the time zone display, not just for
every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "the
time is eleven till six" in a Cape Cod accent.  A few more buttons and
the same voice says something in Spanish then Japanese. Jake continues
"Ive also put in regiona accents for each city". The dislplay is
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.  "Thats not all" says Jake.
He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of
New York City appears on the display.  " The flashing dot shows our
location by satellite positioning" explains Jake.  "View recede ten",
Jake says, and the dispaly changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch" Says the stranger.
"Oh,no, its not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs."
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also
a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar
device that can mesure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal
paper printout, and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recording of up to 300 standard-sized books.  "though I only have 32 of
my most favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"Ive got to have that watch" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; its not ready"
"I'll give you $1,000 for it".
"Oh, no, I've already slpent more that than--"
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But its just not-"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!"  And the stranger pulls out a checkbook'
Jake stops to think.  He's only put about $8,500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in only six months.  The stranger frantically finishes
writing the check and waves it in front of him.  "Here it is, ready to
hand to you right here and now.  $15,000.  Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision.  "OK", he says, and peels off the
watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.  "Hay, wait
a minute", calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily.  Jakes
points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to werstle through the
terminal.
"Don't forget your hard drive and batteries".
+++
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs
to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he
had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The
breakfast was my idea."
+++
Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto
Ricans.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What does a blond say during a porno movie?
A: There I am!!
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
+++
 

Monica L. goes to her neighborhood drycleaner and says to the attendant:  "Hi,
I'd like to get this stain on my dress removed".

The attendant, who is hard of hearing, says:  "Come again"?
+++
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman
intended to stock up.  At the store, however, she was disappointed
to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so
she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," he said.  "I'll pack some more trays and have them
ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over
the public address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts
please meet me at the back of the store."
+++
Confucious say....
      1.Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack gets titbit.
        2.Man who lay woman on ground gets peace on earth.
        3.Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
        4.Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
        5.Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly.
        6.Man with hole in pockets, fells cocky all day.
        7.Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
        8.Virginity like balloon -- one prick, all gone!
        9.Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
       10.He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
       11.Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls can't walk.
       12.Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
       13.Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
       14.Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
       15.Man who walk through airport sideways is going to Bangkok.
       16.Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
       17.Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
       18.When lady say no, she mean maybe, when lady say maybe, she
            mean yes.
           When lady say yes -- she no lady!
       19.Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up in
           morning with solution in hand.
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